Randomness of the Mind and the Body
by myloveimfaithfullyyours
Summary: Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett have met Dr. Phil thousands of times, now its' time for them to have their own show. nothing belongs to me. they talk about whatever I want and also about your stories sometimes! Language Warning! CHAPTER 2 UP! PLEASE REVIEW.
1. Sweenett Show?

Authors Note: Random much

_**Authors Note: Random much? I GOT SO BORED sitting in the airport is so damn boring, so had a conversation with my friend Sarah, and we typed it all down, her as Sweeney me as Mrs. Lovett. This is just the first episode...many more to come...if you review...**_

**Randomness of the Human Mind...**

**AND **

**THE BODY**

**Episode One: **

Sweeney: What the fuck it sounds like a health magazine artical.

Mrs. Lovett: Sweeney love, that's not the right way to start the show.

Sweeney: What show?

Mrs. Lovett: This is our talk show.

Sweeney: WHAT?

Mrs. Lovett: Dude, shut up, we're on in 30 seconds.

Sweeney: What the hell is a talk show?

Mrs. Lovett: 15 seconds, just openly express your opinion. It's live by the way.

Sweeney: Oh sweet mother of jesus.

Mrs. Lovett: Welcome ladies and gentleman...to the SWEENETT show.

Sweeney: What the hell is that?

Mrs. Lovett: I'll explain when they cut to commercial.

Sweeney: No, woman, I need answers. NOW!

Mrs. Lovett: A combination of our names. Now smile. Your on air.

Sweeney: Dude, you dragged me into this without my permission.

Mrs. Lovett: -through gritted teeth- SMILE!

Sweeney: DAMN YOU!

-Audience OOO's randomly-

Mrs. Lovett: They're suppose to.

Sweeney: So if I say something unfunny, they have to laugh?

Mrs. Lovett: If they signs light up!

Sweeney: So if I tell a stupid joke...

Mrs. Lovett: Go ahead. It is your show after all.

Sweeney: Sooo...

-audience goes silent-

Sweeney: Why did the chicken cross the road?

-audience looks confused-

Mrs. Lovett: -playing along- Why? Was it to get to the other side.

Sweeney: Uh, no... TO GET THE CHINESE NEWSPAPER!! Do get it?

Mrs. Lovett: Um...No?

Sweeney: Neither do I...

-audience is silent until Mrs. Lovett gives the stage crew guy in the back a look, and then audience laughs-

Mrs. Lovett: Care to explain.

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: Okay, for our celebirty guest today...I'd like to bring up Barney the FAMOUS purple dinosaur.

-crowd cheers as Barney approaches the stage-

Sweeney: OMG he looks like the judge blown up in purple goop!

Mrs. Lovett: SHHHHHHHH! Don't insult our celebirty guest?

Sweeney: YOU SAID I COULD **OPENLY** EXPRESS MY OPINION!

Mrs. Lovett: No need to rush.

Sweeney: So, Mr. Barney sir...what got your career started?

Barney: YOUR FACE!

Sweeney: Excuse me?!

Mrs. Lovett: Um...

Sweeney: Are you sure this isn't the judge in disguise?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm sure.

Sweeney: Again, I ask...what got your career started?

Barney: Your face...in my pants...at two a.m. in the morning.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh woah...that's hot.

Sweeney: Okay, first off you don't wear pants, secondly your basically a genderless dinosaur.

Barney: YOUR MOM!

Sweeney: IN MY PANTS AT FOUR A.M IN THE MORNING-- SO THERE!

-audience Oo's. Barney stands up-

Sweeney: Oh Heck No. Hold me back, Mrs. Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: Um...hold him back...

-guards appear taking Barney away-

Mrs. Lovett: So while you were busy, I made up a song.

Sweeney: Oh?

Mrs. Lovett: It's in honor of Barney...so it's to the tune of _i love you_

Sweeney: Fuck.

Mrs. Lovett: -_sings to the tune of i love you- _Pies, are done, Pies are done, now it's time to have some fun...

Sweeney: _-sings to the same tune- _When they customers aren't looking

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett: -_singing together- _we'll steal a kiss or two...

Sweeney: _-Singing- _I CAN'T WAIT TO GET IN BED WITH YOU!!

Mrs. Lovett: Well, I hadn't exactly figured out the last part...um but I suppose that works.

-Chorus of Oo's erupts from the audience along with a random "Sweeney YOUR HOT!"-

Audience Member: So how do you feel about the stories on Fanfiction about you guys?

Mrs. Lovett: Um...

Sweeney: Um...

Mrs. Lovett: We'll get back to that one.

Sweeney: What in the world is fanfiction?

Mrs. Lovett: Next we invite up the treasure hunters from National Treasure.

Ben: Gosh it's pleasure to be here.

Mrs. Lovett: You're just saying that.

Riley: Your prolly right. Woah your the creepy murderer dude who kills with his razors!

Mrs. Lovett: Easy now, boy.

-Riley backs away from Sweeney's death glare-

Ben: Um yeah Riley, back off.

Sweeney: So your pretty hot.

Riley: yeah I know.

Sweeney: The girl, you arse.

Abigale: Um thank you I guess.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh shut up, that's just cuz you have a thing for blondes.

Sweeney: And you have a problem with that?

Mrs. Lovett: YES I DO! I LOOK HORRIBLE WITH BLONDE HAIR!

Riley: I imagine so...

Mrs. Lovett: I like this guy, can we replace you with him?

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: So now you care.

Abigale: Hello? We're here to talk about the treasure...

Mrs. Lovett: Oh yeah huh...so let's talk about...

Sweeney: Sex baby...

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No. No. No

Sweeney: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Mrs. Lovett. No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No. No. No

Sweeney: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Mrs. Lovett. No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No. No. No

Sweeney: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Mrs. Lovett. No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: No. No. No

Sweeney: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Mrs. Lovett. No.

Sweeney: Yes.

Mrs. Lovett: NO!!

Sweeney: Let's talk about you and me! Let's talk about bubbles in the tub...let's talk about makin' love...

-scares national treasure people away-

Sweeney: Damn. There goes the blonde.

-random audience member: "I'M BLONDE!"

Sweeney: So back to that fanficion question...cuz you scared away our guests.

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah sure..._I _scared them away.

Sweeney: So how about that fanfiction.

Mrs. Lovett: -while looking at a computer screen- There's one where we fuck all the time...

Sweeney: What's it called?

Mrs. Lovett: Public Affairs.

Sweeney: Is it good?

Mrs. Lovett: Lots of reviews, everybody must LOVE IT

Sweeney: Oh I see...

Mrs. Lovett: There's a lot where we're paired up...

Sweeney: What about me and lucy...

Mrs. Lovett: There aren't all that many of those.

Sweeney: WELL!! UNTIL NEXT TIME...

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah we'll discuss more stories...

Sweeney: GOODNIGHT!!

-audience cheers-

_end note: Review?_


	2. RainRain

Randomness of the Mind and the Body: Inside Cam Authors Note: I know. I haven't updated. But I did. I couldn't do this without my dearest darling Sarah. So I waited until she was back from Venice.

So, I feel like I've tortured your laughter long enough. I hope you enjoy our little 'insider'!

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**

Randomness of the Mind and the Body: Inside Cam.

**Never seen before footage of our favorite talk show hosts inside life. **

Episode: Rain…Rain…

Lovett: It's not bloody funny!

Todd: Is too!

Lovett: Not!

Todd: You laugh at all the wrong moments too!

Lovett: Well, excuse me for being a woman!

Todd: Women do not laugh at the wrong moments.

Lovett: And now you're accusing me of being a man.

Todd: Perhaps I am.

Lovett: Well I ain't!

Todd: You talk like one, you walk like one, you laugh like one.

Lovett: What the bloody hell do you think you're talking about?

Todd: You have a sicker mind than I do!

Lovett: Than you might as well be a bloody woman!

Todd: Yeah right!

Lovett: You'd be a wonderful sensitive…woman.

Todd: And you'd be a cruel perverted man.

Lovett: I thinkt here are things in the way from that path.

Todd:I believe so too.

Lovett: Humph.

Todd: What's that list?

Lovett: Funny things.

Todd: And now you're talking about funny.

Lovett: Hey! Gimme my list back.

Todd: What's this for?

Lovett: Anthony's present.

-snatches paper from her hands-

Todd: 10 things not to say in front of your girlfriends parents?

Lovett: I'm trying to keep him alive.

Todd: "Did you spank her as a child, cuz she sure likes it now!"

Lovett: HAHHAHAH!

Todd: I didn't even raise her!

Lovett: And you regretted that.

Todd: Yes. And if that monster of a judge spanked her…

Lovett: Check out number 11.

Todd: "Your daughter makes me tingle in special places."

Lovett: That is golden.

Todd: You're a sick woman.

Lovett: Humph.

Todd: You think this will help?

Lovett: No. But it's funny. And I like funny.

Todd: You said, you didn't know you could bleed so much without dying.

Lovett: You cut my arm!

Todd: Yeah, but you're a woman!

Lovett: Psh, But I'm watching it gush out of my arm!

Todd: It's calming.

Lovett: It stings!

Todd: And your monthy special doesn't?

Lovett: No! You'd make a bloody terrible woman.

Todd: I would make a wonderful woman for that matter.

Lovett: Would too.

Todd: No. I'd be flattering. I'd take after Lucy.

Lovett: Right. Why not take after me?

Todd: Cuz then I might as well just be a man.

Lovett: I hate you.

Todd: I love you too.

Lovett: I could kill you right now.

Todd: So could I.

Lovett: It's a miricale I'm not already dead.

Todd: Want me to finish it off?

Lovett: Fuck you.

Todd: I do not enjoy your sense of humor young lady.

Lovett: I HATE YOU!

Todd: You've mentioned that already.

Lovett: Ooo, Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight…

Todd: What'd you wish for?

Lovett: What'd you wish for?

Todd: I asked first.

Lovett: Too damn bad.

Todd: Ladies first.

Lovett: I'm too manly to be a lady remember?

Todd: Fine then. I wished you would shut the fuck up!

Lovett: Wish wasted.

Todd: Bitch. What'd you wish for?

Lovett: That you'd look like Johnny Depp.

Todd: Why on earth would you do that?!

Lovett: Well, it was between Johnny Depp and David Beckham…and then I realized if you're David Beckham I have to be Victoria Beckham…

Todd: They're married. We're not married.

Lovett: Might as well be.

Todd: True.

Lovett: I bet you that you couldn't survive a day as a baker. Forget a day, an hour!

Todd: And you couldn't live up in that barbershop!

Lovett: Are you complaining about the free room I gave you?

Todd: Perhaps I am!

Lovett: Well lemme tell you, MISSUS, I could cook six jillion times better than you can!

Todd: And I could cook!

Lovett: Could not!

Todd: Could too!

Lovett: Fine then! Cook dinner. And eat it.

Todd: I couldn't do that!

Lovett: Yeah, cuz you'd barf once you took a bite.

Todd: We're on.

Lovett: Fine then, bring it on!

Todd: Bring it on, man.

Lovett: You wanna go, you wanna go?

Todd: Yeah I wanna go, do you wanna go?

Lovett: You wanna go? Cuz guess what, BITCH, I've already left!

-walks over to her side of the counter-

Todd: Damn woman.

-walks over to counter, picks up ingrediants-

Lovett: Good luck!

Todd: You'll need it!

-At the counter-

Todd: Let's race.

Lovett: Fine, let's see who can peel, and put all the ingrediants in a bowl faster.

Todd: Dumb competition.

Lovett: Chicken

Todd: Duck.

Lovett: Goose.

Todd: Pigeon.

Lovett: Dove.

Todd: Sparrow.

Lovett: Capt'n Jack Sparrow.

Todd: What?

Lovett: Is just awesome all over.

Todd: How would you know that?

Lovett: That's not the way to be a woman. Remember?

Todd: That's not what we're competing for.

Lovett: Right.

Todd: Oh shut up.

Lovett: Your dead.

Todd: And you're going to kill me?

Lovett: You'll poison yourself with your cooking.

Todd: Bring it on.

Lovett: We already went over this.

Todd: Ready…

Lovett: Set…

Todd/Lovett: Go!

-randomly starts cutting and chopping throwing vegetables into a bowl-

Todd: -holds up the cucumber- Damn! It's not fair, your cucumbers smaller than mine!

Lovett: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

-Insane Laughter Continues-

Todd: Dirty minded woman. Damn the Rain.

**End Note: Please Review!**


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